Stranger danger

Today my blog post will have a more serious and sombre air to it. Four days ago a little girl from a neighbouring community was let out to play with some older children at 7pm while her Mum cooked tea. They had both just got home from a parents evening at school. A vehicle approached the playing children and the driver’s side door opened. Someone called the little girl over, and according to her friend, she willingly got into the vehicle through the driver’s side door. She has not been seen since.

The little girl’s name is April Jones. Now the whole world knows her name.

Far be it from me to see any sort of silver lining in a big black cloud like this, but for me personally this has certainly given me a wakeup call. Since Monday I have talked about stranger danger with my children more than I ever have before. I think sometimes, especially for those of us living in rural communities, we take our children’s safety for granted, and have become a little complacent about the warnings we issue to them. With this in mind, I wanted to share my thoughts on teaching our children about stranger danger.

What is a stranger?

This came out in a conversation with my 6 year old last night. He knows for sure he shouldn’t go with a stranger, but did he know what a stranger actually was?

The short answer is no.

He was of the impression that a stranger would be someone he didn’t know (correct) who looked evil (erm) and who definitely wasn’t a woman (wrong) who probably drove a van (probably a nod to the situation with April). I realised at this point that the definition should be made clearer. Here’s my take on who a stranger is:

• Someone they don’t know
• Someone they don’t know VERY WELL
• Someone they know but who doesn’t have permission to talk to them
• They can be smart, scruffy, male, female
• They can have a van, a sports car, a motorbike, or be on foot
• They might have sweets, puppies, video games, anything

I think some of these points should be emphasised to our children, particularly point 3 – ‘Someone they know but who doesn’t have permission to talk to them’. It seems like April may have known the person who picked her up, so sometimes we need to warn our kids against people they think they know. My son said to me “but I could get in a car with so and so’s Dad?” and I had to say, “No, not unless I have told you already they are picking you up.”

At the end of the day, we don’t always know the parents of our kid’s friends particularly well, and in a child’s eyes it could be that someone who has been hanging around the school gates chatting and showing them cool stuff on their phone is no longer a ‘stranger’. As parents we need to drill into our kids that unless we have specifically made arrangements for them to be picked up by someone else, then EVERYONE is a stranger.

Stranger danger rules

This is what I’ve told my kids:

• Never accept a present, toy or sweets from a stranger
• Never accept a lift from a stranger
• Never go anywhere with a stranger
• Never go anywhere on your own without telling me or a teacher
• Never go close to a car if someone is asking directions
• Tell me, or a teacher, if someone has spoken to you who you didn’t know
• Stay with your friends if you are out playing
• Never play in dark places
• If someone is following you, knock on a door or go into a shop for help
• If you think you are in danger, run towards shops, pubs or places where there are lots of people

YELL, RUN, TELL

We had some great fun last night practicing our yells! How loud can you scream?

These are the golden rules for stranger danger. I would rather have my children yelling and running away from a new teaching assistant or one of my friends they don’t recognise than the alternative.

People your children know

It’s sad but true that children are more at risk from people they know than they are from complete strangers. 66% of paedophiles are known to their victims, compared to the 34% who are genuine strangers. So how do we protect children from people they already think they know? Here are some ideas:

• Password? – Have a code word or password so anyone collecting your kids from school or a club must tell them the password before they get into the car.
• Trust and tell – Encourage your child to talk about adults they know. If they seem uncomfortable in discussing someone in particular, or become distressed around them, then trust your own instincts and keep them away.
• Setting boundaries – Talk to your children about what is and is not acceptable in terms of physical contact. Kissing relatives and friends may be OK, but is it OK to kiss a friends Mum or Dad? What about cuddles?
• No secrets – Instil in your children that no grown up should ever ask them to keep a secret from you. It may start quite innocently (“here, have some pocket money, but don’t tell your Mum”) but that can evolve into keeping things like cuddles, kisses, inappropriate touching and worse a secret. Because the child has already built a circle of trust with the adult, they will feel more and more distanced from you and less able to open up. 

I’d love to hear how your children understand ‘stranger danger’ and what things you tell them. After all, we want our children to grow up confident and comfortable, but it is also our job to protect them.

Finally, let’s all hope they find April safe and well today and that she is reunited with her family as soon as possible. Keep your kids safe people.